Invisible

I just looked at my calendar and May is blessedly devoid of appointments. This concerns me a little. There are always appointments. Have I forgotten to put them on the calendar? I am usually so compulsive about that. I know I have a 2 appointment cards not yet written down, but usually my week is completely filled in. There is nothing. Does this mean we have come to the end of the craziness?

Last summer, when my mom was diagnosed with multiple myloma, things got hectic. Initially there was the feeling of overwhelming fear of the unknown. I had my first experience with TMJ that week. I wasn't able to close my teeth correctly for a few days, but by that time the fear was replaced with a sense of relief. My mom was not going to die. Something could be done. And on we went. My sister moved home that October and by that time my mom had started her treatment. For a few months it was just tests. She had X-rays and MRI's and blood tests and urine tests and the first thing that was decided was that she would have to wear a brace.

The brace, which looked like a combination neck brace and bullet proof vest, held her neck and torso relatively still and it meant that she would not be able to continue to work the way we thought she would be able to. She told my son it was her super hero costume, that it was helping her fight cancer.

Through November, December, January, and February our calendars filled up with an ever increasing amount of appointments. My sister and dad handled most of them. I took her to the ones they couldn't make. Mom, of course, had to go to them all.

When it was determined that the brace had never really been necessary it was a relief to everyone. She had worn it faithfully for 3 months with the belief that it was protecting her back. In reality, she didn't really need it and prolonged use could make her muscles very weak. Not to mention how restrictive it was to her quality of life. She couldn't even sit comfortably.

Shortly after she was rid of the brace it was time for her to go to UCSF medical center for the grand finale in her treatment. First she would spend anywhere from 2 to 6 days at the hospital while they harvested stem cells. She ended up doing it in three days and was quite proud of herself (she loves to excel at anything. Even healing. I can relate). A week later she headed back to San Fransisco. She would receive a one time, very high dose of chemotherapy drugs and then the stem cells she had harvested would be replaced. If all went well those stem cells would produce non-cancerous blood cells. She came home just short of the 3 weeks her doctor had predicted she would need to stay. Once again the overachiever, her cell counts went up steadily and they let her go home a little early.

That was almost three weeks ago. Today, she left the house for the first time for a reason other than a doctors appointment. Every day she says she feels a little better and every day I see her get a little stronger. On Friday, when she goes back to UCSF I hope they tell her she is in remission. I have no idea how long it would take for her to actually go into remission, but I can hope.

While all of this was going on, I didn't have time to be afraid that things wouldn't work out the way we hoped. In fact the thought never crossed my mind. Maybe I wouldn't allow it, but I never had time to dwell on it either. On any given day I would need to do some combination of the following: Take my son, Ben, to school. Take my handicapped uncle, Mike, to work, (take mom to an appointment if needed), pick up Ben, pick up Mike (all of the picking up and dropping off occur 30-40 min away from my house and at different times of day) take my grandmother to any appointments she had (she goes to the dentist and doctor every 4 months, gets her hair permed every 2 months and her nails done every two weeks). I also take Grandma to the bank and Vons once a week and to pick up medication whenever she needs it. If Ben didn't get picked up by his dad on a school day then I would drop him off after taking Mike or pick him up if it was my turn. Then I had school. Microbiology. Lecture Monday from 1-4 and lab Monday and Wednesday night.

Now, I have been doing a version of this dance for the last three years. Every time someones schedule changes I have to change with it. If Ben's dad's schedule goes from a 2-2 to a 3-4 (he's a firefighter who works very hard to provide for his family) well, then my schedule changed. If my dad started working nights instead of days, then my schedule changed. I am not a person who likes constant change.

So when I open iCal and look at May and I see no appointments, no reminders, no alarms, do I feel a sense of relief? Do I see free time staring back at me asking me to fill it with stuff I like to do? No, it makes me nervous, because as free as May looks I know that it is full of appointments that haven't been made yet.

Happy mothers day 2011

I wrote this form my mom, Gail, for mothers day this year. She is recovering from cancer treatment and it was really hard to figure out a gift for her. She is not eating a lot of different things so food and candy were out. She can't be around people so we couldn't take her anywhere. My sister is painting her a picture and this is what I came up with.

Mom, I love you. Happy mother's day. Jenna

Home. Work.

When I was a kid I liked school. I felt safe there and I knew what I supposed to do and I liked being with my friends. So this is not the story of a struggling student barely making it. Not really. In fact, I was a good student who could get by most of the time with out really trying too hard. And that's what I did. I was pretty confident in my ability to skate, too. I knew then, just as I know now, how much I had to do to get by and make ok grades. I don't remember studying back then. I went to class and did my homework (usually) and that was enough. Most of the time. But not always. There were a few subject that I could not skate through. A few things that I could not fake my way through or reason out when it came to tests. These subjects were spelling and math.

So, when it came to spelling tests and multiplication tables, did I speak up? Did I say, “I'm not getting this,” or “I need help”? Of corse not. I was too used to being good at school. It hurt my pride to admit that something didn't come fairly easily to me. So, I did the only logical thing a 4^th grader can do, I got a D in math.

As you can imagine, this did not go over well with my parents who were also pretty used to me doing ok in school. They weren't mad. (My parents didn't really get mad about grades. Positive reinforcement was more their style.) But I knew that it was not ok and I felt disappointed in myself and guilty and embarrassed. (That is the beauty of their system. They didn't really have to punish me as I was exceptional at punishing myself.)

I remember feeling like no amount of studying or work on my part would get me out of this. I had totally given up long ago and to try to take on all the learning I had to do to catch up with my peers didn't even seem worth my time. I don't remember what grade I got in math that year. Probably a C (I do remember that I did not get another D). I struggled with basic math until I got into high school and to tell you the truth I still pretty much suck at it. But what I do remember about that time was that my mom sat at the kitchen table with me, almost every night, trying to teach me how to multiply fractions, and I was awful. I wined. I cried. I complained. I'm sure she hated it. Every night after working all day, making dinner and cleaning up, what did my mom have to look forward to? Her oldest daughter spending more time feeling sorry for herself about how hard math was than actually trying to learn how to do math. It must have been exhausting for her. And, it wasn't the first time she sat down to help me through something like this. Or the last.

Any time I needed help with something we would sit down and go over and over and over it until I either got it or we ran out of time. Spelling test? Lets make flashcards and go over them together. In first grade I didn't get 100% on one single spelling test. Not one. This is what she was up against.

Need to memorize the state capitals? My mom put up a map of the United states in our hall way and she and I would sit on the floor everyday after school when I was in 5^th grade and go over and over and over them. I still don't know them.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I was good at a lot of things, but the things I was bad at...well, I was horriffically bad at them.

So, while my mom really wanted to help me learn to spell and do math and recite the capitals of these United States ,she didn't. It wasn't her fault. She did everything a person could do. I just didn't really get them. Not in a way you would characterize as proficient. However, she did teach me something better (you knew that was coming, didn't you?).

I am 29 years old now and back in school after earning a BA from Fresno State. You would be surprised how often I think about those times at the kitchen table with my mom. I think about it when I sit down to study for a test, because what I learned from my mom was to have a system. She showed me that the only thing between me and success was a plan of attack. Every time she would help me we would figure out the best approach to learning that particular subject, we would set it up and go for it. If it didn't work she would change tactics. Flashcards not working? Spell the words out loud. Can't remember the capital of Washington? Of course you can “You know, Juno”. She was a creative thinker when it came to this kind of stuff. She would always find a way to help me even if, in the end I never really got it.

My mom really gave me a gift. She taught me to be a creative thinker and a problem solver. I am good at figuring out the best way to learn a lot of material in a short amount of time. It is one of my strengths. And it is a skill I really needed, because of my 29 years I have spent 21 of them in school. Because of my mom and those study sessions I feel like I can learn anything. Talk about a powerful feeling. Think about it. Anything I really want to do well, in my mind, I can do it. I just have to really (really) want it.

There are so many other things that my mom did for me. I could spend a life time describing ways she influenced me, recounting words she said to me. The older I get the more I understand the things she tried to teach me and why she thought they were important. And my ability to get through classes may not have been the most important thing she taught me, but then again maybe it is. Haven't I used those skills to get through every challenge in my life? Didn't my systematic patience help me accomplish goals that seemed daunting in the beginning?

How could I have known that while my mom was teaching me long division she was also teaching me not to give up even when breastfeeding was excrutiating. When she was helping me get through 3^rd graded spelling she was showing me that I could start over and try to do something I really want to do. Every time she said let's do it another way she showed me that if something's not working you find another way to do it. You make it work for you.

My dad always says that my mom was really good at being a mom. He says she treated it like a job. She read books and tried to learn about being mom. In short she studied. And it paid off. She always was and is a great mom. I try to be just like her when I am taking care of my son. I try to have the patience she had with me. I always keep in mind that you can't give up on your children when it seems like they are just not getting what you are trying to say to them. After all, you never know what you are really teaching someone while you are helping them with their homework.

Behold...

...yarn.





















Yarn that I spun on...























this spindle that I made. The video is on You Tube under no cost spindle.
It is not good yarn. It is not very even yarn or soft yarn. It is not a great deal of yarn, but there is no denying that it is yarn. And I made it.

To spin or not to spin...

I have never really been interested in spinning my own yarn. I don't know what came over me a few days ago but I was looking at knitpicks and one of their pics was of a niddy noddy and a Turkish spindle. I have always dismissed even the thought of spinning because a spinning wheel is so expensive and while I taught my self to knit with out having anyone show me I really don't think that it is okay to buy such an expensive tool with out the possibility of classes or a mentor or something like that. I also never knew what a spindle was or what you did with one. But that knitpicks ad peeked my interest. I decided to check You Tube for videos and all of the sudden I had an overwhelming desire to spin yarn on a drop spindle. I wanted to do it and I wanted to do it now. I knew I had some extremely cheap roving that really should only be used for needle felting, but would do in a pinch. I just didn't have a spindle. A little You Tube research fixed that problem. I found this video for a now cost spindle and I was all set to make some really bad yarn. My second attempt was much better and now I have some pretty thick singles that I would never want to knit with, but I freaking made them my self. So awesome. Part of me knows that this desire to start a new hobby is due in great part to the fact that I am kind of on a yarn diet and I am not allowing myself to start anything new until my current UFOs are completed. Part of me knows that this is still startitis and that even though I am not starting a knitted project I am still starting something that I don't have money and time for (for the next few months). Part of me knows all of this, but most of me doesn't care. I am, however, resisting the urge to invest a bunch of money right now. Next month, maybe. Maybe after Christmas.

In other knitting news, the books and more swap is coming to an end. My partner got her package from me and I think she liked it. I felt really good about it, because I love, love, loved the yarn I sent her and the book is one of my faves. I also felt like the school supplies that fulfilled the "back to school" theme doubled as knitting supplies. I would have loved to get that package so I felt pretty good about sending it. I haven't gotten mine yet from my swap partner, but almost everyone has sent theirs out so it should come soon. I just wish I had had been interested in spinning before I did the swap so that maybe I could have gotten a spinning book or some roving. C'est la vie.

In non knitting news, this was a pretty great past week. Wednesday started out not so great. I got some very bad news about a friend that I care very much about who was hurt by someone she trusted. The news really over shadowed my little boys birthday for a little while. We had to set that aside for a while and I am so happy to say that my friend has done the right thing for herself and I feel like it is the first step in the healing process for her. I did get great news, though, on my lab and lecture tests. A's on both and I was really sweating it. Disneyland was great. I feel so lucky that James and Brionna and I are friends and that we all go to be there for Ben's first Disneyland trip. It was so special to me and I can't thank them enough for including me.

Saturday is Ben's birthday party and the festivities will be over. I am so in love with my little boy. He seems so much older than 4 years old, but at the same time I can't believe it has been 4 years already. What a wonderful person I have the privilege of raising. How lucky I am to have a front row seat to his life. He is very special. Love you son.

So many projects, so much homework

Well, despite how little time I have to finish the projects I already have I continue to start more projects. This is something I have been working on since July. I had to take a break to start and finish a similar blanket for my Dad's birthday at the end of August which I did and it turned out amazing. This one is for Ben and I hope he loves it as much as he loves his polyester "black blanket". I'm not holding my breath though. I call this the "scribble blanket" because it is done in crayon colors and the garter stitch looks like scribbles. It is made mostly from Pattons classic wool on size 10 needles and the concept is Log cabin knitting from Mason-Dixon Knitting.

This little beauty is even better than it looks. It is made from the softest yarn I have ever touched. It is from Misty Alpaca and is baby alpaca. I love it more than life its self so it was worth it to knit it on size 19's which I don't like to use. I did it in plain old garter stitch because yarn that amazing speaks for its self. I am ignoring the fact that I may be slightly allergic to alpaca. While I knit it I was constantly "stuffy". I care not. I can't wait for winter.

I got the alpaca at the Ball and Skein and more in Cambria, CA. I love that place. They have beautiful yarn and the prices are good (for the quality of yarn you get). Plus the people who own it/work there are so nice. Not like a LYS that shall remain nameless where the ladies who worked there looked at me like I was casing the joint.

I also got the sock yarn for the following socks. I did not choose it myself. I asked my mom to choose some yarn for a pair of socks and this is what she picked. Trekking Pro Natura sock yarn in color 1507. It is a wool/bamboo blend from germany and I am using the Fox faces pattern by Nancy Bush. I have not yet mastered the pattern. I am not that experienced with lace patterns and I really need to sit down and do a couple of pattern repeats. Anyway, Mom saw it and really like what I have so far. The yarn feels really soft in the ball but knits up a little rough. She didn't mind, but I know my yarn better than mom does.

This poor little sweater was not meant to be. It is the buttony sweater by Katie Marcus and the pattern is great. I am going to make it again it some other kind of yarn. The yarn is Renyolds Lopi and it is pretty scratchy. It has little bits of hay and some sort of glue spun into it so it does not make the best sweater yarn. I think that this may be felted slipper yarn or felted purse yarn. Something felted. It's not bad yarn, it's just not sweater yarn. It was only the second yarn I had ever bought online and for some reason I decided to drag Brionna into what ended up being not the best yarn purchase. She seems to have rebounded.

Finally, the September Sweater. This is from a great sweater tutorial on Ravelry. It is flawed, but it is really the first adult sized sweater I have ever attempted and it did not come from an exact pattern. I think it will look very impressive when it is done, (thank you cables) and the flaws will not even show. I used lion brand wool fisherman's wool, which I really liked and bought 2 more balls for the Galway Bay Aran shawl I got from Very Pink Knits. I am only holding off on the Aran because I have to start a little baby snuggly thing for a friends baby shower on the 9 of october. I have no yarn for it. I needed to start it yesterday.

I also have this little number to sew. This is for my son's older sister and we shopped for the material together, which was fun at first and then got a little crazy because I couldn't find anything we needed and there were a ton of people there. I really hope Brionna and I do not screw this up.

Here we go again

Like a lot of people I have an on again off again relationship with my blog. I have trouble deciding what is blog worthy. I start feeling an obligation to the blog, like there are people out there reading my blog and I really need to blog or they will be disappointed (trust me, I know that there is no one). Oh, the guilt that goes along with being a sometimes blogger! Well, no more! Ok, I will probably neglect the blog again, but I can make empty blog promises to my self and, really, who am I hurting. Also, many KALs and swaps require you to be an active blogger and while I get anxious about somehow ending up on the naughty blogger list (I hate getting into any kind of trouble), I really want to do another swap or KAL soon. Well, I'm off to see if the Books and more will accept me. Cross your fingers.

SOCKS!!!!!!!

I have gone a little sock crazy. I have never been that interested in socks. This is probably because of the lack of good sock yarn at my lys and my less than successful efforts to make a pair in the past. I have pattern for slipper socks in worsted that I love and have made at least 5 pairs of. They are basic sock construction on size 8 dpn's and I had no trouble making them perfectly every time. For some reason every time I have tried to make a pair of socks out of sock yarn on small dpns I have trouble. I know how to make socks, I just couldn't get them to fit. Anyway, this was a success and I really don't think I will have trouble again, it's just one of those things.

So in the wake of my success and (because I have been reading a lot of Yarn Harlot) I have fallen under the spell of socks. I got a kit for 5 pairs from Knit Picks as well as a hank of Stroll handpainted in Cartoon which I love for some reason. And I treated myself (as if the rest was for someone else) to a set of Harmony wood dpns. I am telling myself that this is a mother's day gift to myself, but I just ordered and received yarn and I really didn't need this...oh well.

My September sweater is going really well, and when Brionna and I can get together to start the best friend sweater I will have that on the needles. I am a wee bit concerned about the gage on the BF sweater. It calls for size 19 needles. I swatched using size 19. It calls for 9 1/2 st to 6 inches I got 12. I do not even know where to get bigger needles and I can't believe that I was knitting it any tighter than anyone else as the needles are so big it is hard to knit tight even if you want to. I used Lopi in teal which is suggested in the pattern. I am not making gage and I don't want to seek out and use bigger needles. I thought to myself, best to do a few inches of the pattern just to see how it goes so maybe I can warn Brionna about any tricky parts and see how far off my gage really is at the same time. I do about 7 inches, realize that this is the most unclear pattern I have ever used and now worry that it will be super frustrating for her and make her never want to knit again. She is my only real live knitting friend. I must warn her. Plus the yarn, which I have seen recommended by reliable sources, kind of sucks. It is itchy and needs to be bulkier. I still think it is beautiful and may get softer after it is blocked and I still really want to use it for this sweater. So I take it off the needles to see how my size is. Much too small. Drat.